Why Toddlers Have Temper Tantrums

by Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D.
Child Psychologist

Many parents find their toddler's temper tantrums bewildering. How is it possible that a once-sweet baby could fall to the floor screaming and kicking? How could such a tantrum be considered normal? To learn the answer to why toddlers have temper tantrums, you need to put yourself in the shoes of both a baby and a typical toddler. I will do this for you, showing you first what life is like from the perspective of a baby and then from a toddler's point of view.

'For many months, since I was born, my parents have been catering to my every demand. They knock themselves out to keep me satisfied and comfortable. Each time I whimper, cry, burp or pass gas mom or dad, or both parents, are there for me. What a wonderful life! What wonderful service! I have two grown-ups catering to me 'round the clock. It doesn't matter if it's 3 in the morning or 9 at night. I can count on mom or dad to be there to change my wet diaper or give me a bottle. Sometimes, they even rock me or sing me a song.'

Everything I just described is absolutely necessary for babies. They need this nurturing and attention to survive. They need this service and love so they can trust that their new world outside the womb is a good place. If a baby learns he can rely on the world to help him survive, he has the foundation to develop a personality. Babies also need this service and love so they can fall in love with their parents. You see, babies have been inside their mother's womb for nine months. A mother may have fallen in love with her baby during this time, but her baby won't fall in love with her until after he leaves the womb. This happens only if mom and dad are there for a baby in every way.

Now, let's move on to life from the perspective of the baby as he becomes a toddler.

'I'm feeling wonderfully secure with the way everyone is fussing with me. I eat when I'm hungry and get changed when I'm wet. When I'm irritable, someone picks me up. When I'm bored, someone hands me a rattle. Little by little, though, I'm growing up. Soon I can roll over and then I can sit up. Before I know it, I'm 18 months old. Things are changing fast. I'm a toddler! All of a sudden the 'round-the-clock service I had been receiving is beginning to slack off. I guess when you're a toddler you can't have this continuous service all the time—I may even have to wait. What's really upsetting is when my mom or dad says, 'No.' At times they even seem to be mad at me, and they scold me.'

As a parent, you can now see how a baby has come to expect that he will have his way. You can also see that, to a toddler, growing up means receiving less service from his parents and having to wait for needs to be satisfied. All this can be overwhelming for a toddler who not only has these high expectations, but who has not yet developed any self-control or coping skills. So when a toddler is faced with frustration, he often loses it and has a temper tantrum. When the world doesn't respond to a toddler the way it did when he was a baby, he temporarily goes into a fit of rage. At this point, he cannot respond to reason. Trying to stop your toddler's temper tantrum by saying something like, 'If you don't stop I will give you something to cry about,' means nothing to him.

Also, you can see why it doesn't make sense to interpret a toddler's temper tantrum as a defiant act against authority. A toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum is not defying anyone. This child is temporarily out of control, a little 'crazy.' He cannot help himself.

As your toddler grows, he experiences one frustration after another. From these experiences, the toddler gradually begins to develop a tolerance for putting things off and not always having his way. But this takes time. While he learns how to tolerate frustration, there will be many temper tantrums. Sometimes during these temper tantrums, the toddler will fall to the floor and bang his head. Sometimes, he will pull his hair and spit. Sometimes he will kick his feet, or throw things—or throw up. All of this is normal...of course, it's also trying on the toddler's parents. But now that you understand why toddlers have temper tantrums, you will be in a better position to be patient—and you'll be reassured that you're not raising a brat.

http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=20&e=parentresourceexpertadvice&content=39033&email=1

C Sharp or B Flat!

Happy Father's Day!

Do you think we're overdoing it with the camo? ;)

I was a bad mommy today. Matthew made a wonderful scrambled egg breakfast for all three of us, and I rushed off to work. Suddenly, I realized that I forgot to give Matthew his Father's Day cards. So I called him immediately to apologize and wish him a happy Father's Day. Turns out I woke both Sean and Matthew from their naps. Maybe next year Sean can help me remember...

Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda, But Didn't

Back in December when we were shopping for my new cell phone, we met a couple. They were new parents too and told us their four-month-old baby girl was having trouble gaining weight, but she slept through the night at six weeks (9pm - 6am). They were asking what they could do to help her gain weight. I honestly didn't know what to tell them since I assumed that the mother was breastfeeding on-demand like I was. In the end, the father mentioned that they were "doing Babywise." Now, I've never read any books by Gary Ezzo because he's not a medical professional and has no training in lactation or child development. Plus, I read some reviewers on Amazon mention that the Ezzo program has been linked to failure-to-thrive and breastfeeding failure in mothers.

However, I've recently found this website www.ezzo.info, and it has parents' stories (click here) of what following the Ezzo program did for their families. These stories are heart-wrenching!!! I cried for that little baby girl and for all the babies who have been and are being hurt, from failure-to-thrive to Reactive Attachment Disorder and everything in between. I looked at my little Sean and could not imagine flicking his cheek to keep him facing the dinner table or slapping his hands to keep him from reaching for the spoon. (What the...?!?!?!)

Today I told Sean, "Mommy loves you," more often and kissed him more often and hugged him tighter. I prayed for those parents and their baby girl and hoped that they were doing better. I didn't put two and two together at the time, but I also didn't know what to say. I wish I had said something though...

Frappuccino Fallout

So this morning I picked up a frappuccino from "Barstucks" before I ran some errands with Sean. Well, I drank about 2/3 of it and Sean suffered the consequences. (I'm so sorry, Sean!) He couldn't nap for more than about 20 minutes at a time. He was really fussy and didn't fall asleep until about 10pm when Matthew had him in his baby sling. I couldn't figure out what it was until I thought about what I had eaten and drank today. I guess between the caffeine and sugar, it was too much for him!